The Problem with Men
by Quill's Feels
Summary: The girls of Fairy Tail are having relationship problems - namely, lack of any relationship whatsoever. Not for lack of trying, though. NaLu, GaLe, Gruvia, Laxana T for swearing
1. Chapter 1

**[A/N]: Girl-bro frustration. I don't even ship NaLu, but I just know that they'd be this way.**

"Men," Lucy griped, waving at Mira for a drink. The fair woman looked surprised, but handed Lucy a beer.

"Preachin' to the choir, babe," Cana said blandly, sipping her brandy.

"I couldn't agree more," Levy sighed, coming to sit on Cana's other side. She put her chin in her hand, glaring at the inoffensive bottles of wine on the shelf behind the bar.

"What happened?" Mirajane asked with concern.

All three of them turned dead eyes on her. "Men are fucking idiots," Levy said calmly.

Mirajane blinked in surprise at the petite bluenette. "_All_ of them?"

"Yep," Juvia confirmed, joining the group of disconsolate women.

"Oh, no," Mirajane despaired.

"Oh, yes," Cana said with relish. "Break out the corkscrew, Mira, you're gonna need it tonight."

"What's wrong with your idiot?" Lucy asked Juvia.

"What's _always _wrong with her idiot?" Cana interrupted as Mira set a glass of strong wine in front of each of them.

"Juvia's sick of not being noticed!" the water mage burst. "Can Gray-sama not see how much Juvia cares?"

"Men are too thick to see if _anyone_ cares," Levy grumbled.

Cana turned to the smaller bluenette. "What is it now?"

Muttering a few choice curses under her breath, Levy took a long drink of wine. For once, she didn't cough as the alcohol seared her throat. "I asked him out."

"And?" Lucy asked, her voice tinged with dread.

"He suggested a wrestling match, and then brought Lily and Natsu along," Levy said darkly. She drained her drink swiftly.

Cana clucked her tongue sympathetically. "Oh, hun. That's rough." She turned to Lucy. "Your turn, ante up."

"Do I even _need_ to?" Lucy said angrily. "It's _Natsu_, for fuck's sake."

"Come on, you'll feel better," Cana coaxed.

Lucy sighed. "I've been hinting, yeah? That I like him, I mean."

"That idiot wouldn't know interest if it slammed a brick into his forehead," Cana replied sympathetically.

"Exactly!" Lucy agreed excitedly. "So I gave up today, and told him, in _no_ uncertain terms, that I like him!"

"Oh, no," Juvia murmured.

"That fucking idiot," Lucy fumed, "replied with his _stupid fucking grin_, that he likes me too, and that a team can't work together if the members aren't as good friends as we are!" Lucy gulped down her drink, looking like she wanted to shatter it in her hand and hurl the shards at the object of her rage. Mirajane gingerly pried the wineglass from her white-knuckled fingers.

"Oh, that's _so_ much worse," Levy whispered in horror.

Lucy took Juvia's untouched wine and drained it, pointing imperiously at Cana. "Your turn, girl," she ordered. "What'd Laxus do this time?"

Cana's hands tightened around her tumbler of brandy. "That idiot and I were sitting here, talking and having a good time, you know?" She motioned for Mira to top off her drink. "Then his dumb ass goes and drinks a little too much and tells me that I'm _such a bro_." She drained her full glass in one go. "_Such a damned good pal_."

Lucy made a noise of sympathy. "Men," she said flatly.

"Men," Cana agreed sourly.


	2. Chapter 2

**[A/N]: I hadn't intended to write more of this, but I marked "The Problem with Men" as in progress and got some pretty funny reviews. Since there's a lot of potential for humor here, I went and wrote the guys' perspective. Please review!**

Natsu was utterly confused. What was she angry about this time? Lucy hadn't talked to him in _days_, much less gone on a job. He knew rent was due, so what was her problem?

"Morning, Luce!" he said cheerfully, trying to make her smile. His grin slipped at the look on her face and he stepped just out of her reach. You know, just to be safe.

Lucy glared at him, then turned away. He looked to Levy for help, but she wasn't having any of it.

Backing away from the angry, scarily silent girls, Natsu turned to find Gajeel and Gray both sunk in despair. "Guys," he whispered, planting his hands on the table, "what's going on?"

They shot glances over to the table where Juvia, Lucy, Levy, and Cana sat in poignant silence. "No idea," Gray whispered. "They've been like this all week."

"What's Cana's deal?" Natsu asked, sitting beside the ice mage to watch the girls.

"Hell if I know," Gajeel growled. "But I've never seen Shorty this angry before."

"And it's a weird day where Juvia hasn't even spoken to me," Gray agreed.

"It's a weird day when any of us speak to you, streaker."

"Shut up, Natsu," Gray replied absently.

The three of them were silent, trying to figure out what was wrong. It only added to their confusion when Laxus joined the table. "You guys know why Cana's so pissed at me?" he whispered.

Natsu startled. "No idea, man," he managed. "But we've all got girls pissed at us right now."

"Well, you guys I can understand," Gray commented. He frowned. "But I have no idea what I did to Juvia."

Laxus snorted. "It's probably what you _haven't_ done, dude."

"What do you mean?"

Gajeel snorted. "Tell me this, Ice Boy. What do you think of Juvia?"

Gray blinked, caught off guard. "Uh─I dunno. She's nice, and pretty cool."

Laxus barked a laugh. "_Dude_."

"What?" Gray demanded, confused.

"Oh, man, you've dug your own grave," Natsu chuckled.

"Like you're one to talk, Flamebreath!" Gray flared.

Natsu paused. "What?"

Gajeel facepalmed. "_Dude_."

Laxus turned to the Iron Dragon Slayer. "And I assume your problem is with the shrimp?"

"Yeah, why?"

Laxus groaned, suddenly realizing that the three of them had made a grave mistake. "Boys," he deadpanned, "you're all in the same boat here."

The other wizards were silent, looking around the table. Suddenly, there was an explosion of noise.

"You can't be _serious_!"

"You mean─_she likes me_?!"

"And what about you?" Gray interrupted. "What about Cana?"

Laxus shook his head. "Nah, we're pals. I probably did somethin' stupid while I was drunk."

There was a loud _crash_ as Erza strode up and slammed her armored hands on the table. "I can't stand to listen to all of you dense idiots!" she fumed. "For god's sake, go and talk to them!"

"Yes ma'am," Natsu and Gray said immediately, bolting out of their chairs.

Erza turned her glare on the two remaining Dragon Slayers. "Well?" she asked in a deadly tone.

Gajeel scowled. "Tch. Fine." He slid out of his seat and followed the fire and ice wizards.

"And you?" Erza asked Laxus.

He sipped his drink, ignoring her dangerous gaze. "You don't scare me, red."

"No, but _she_ does," Erza said smugly, pointing over at the table where the other three wizards had gone. Of the girls, only Cana remained silent, glaring at Laxus.

"What did I do, then?" Laxus demanded. "We've been friends since we were kids, what's the deal?"

"Laxus," Erza asked in a pleasant tone, voice smooth as silk, "do you know the difference between boys and girls?"

"Don't patronize m─_oh_."

Erza watched as the realization dawned on him. She raised an eyebrow and the corner of her mouth quirked. "You're such an idiot," she told him, striding back to her table.

"You─you can shut up!" he managed to yell.

…

Gajeel, Natsu and Gray sat around a table, dazed but thankfully no worse for the wear. "Girls," Gray murmured, looking pleased with himself.

"Yep."

They were silent another minute before Gray asked, "Dude, did you really bring PantherLily and this idiot on a date with Levy?"

"Shut up," Gajeel growled. "She never _said_ it was a date." He snorted. "At least I made an honest mistake. Flame-For-Brains here actually got _told_ that Blondie likes 'im."

"Shut up!" Natsu burst defensively. "How was I supposed to know she meant _like_ like?" He turned on Gray. "And _I _haven't been oblivious since before she even joined the guild!"

"Okay, okay," Gray conceded. "Let's all just agree: at least we're not worse off than Laxus."

**[A/N]: I feel like a bad person for laughing so hard at my own jokes, but Laxana cracks me up so much.**


End file.
